All Men Have Secrets

ALL MEN HAVE SECRETS

My copy which was signed by the 3 Editors.  RIP Tom Gallagher x

MEAT IS MURDER

I remember eating some chicken (or something equally as repugnant) directly before playing the entire "Meat is Murder" album, which I'd bought after an "exciting" day at work. At that time, I was employed as a VDU Operator at my local council which was Kirklees Metropolitan. I was "honoured" to have the task of wordprocessing the results of meetings of the schools in the area, such as minutes and agenda. Enthralling stuff or what?! Anyway, I felt quite uncomfortable and guilty eating that chicken, because the mere title said it all. So when I got to the title track (I was at home in Huddersfield on an October night in 1988, listening to my walkman yet again) I braced myself for the punishment that Morrissey would mete out for my wretched sin of eating some unfortunate creature. And what I heard put me off meat for life. The lines "The Meat in your Mouth, as you Savour the Flavour of MURDER" especially hit home, and I knew from that moment that I would never eat meat again. And do you know something - I haven't…..

HEAVEN KNOWS I'M MISERABLE NOW

Before I moved down to Manchester from my native Huddersfield to go to college, I used to hold down several dead-end office jobs. I was a VDU Operator, and worked as a very poorly paid Office Junior on the side. Making cups of tea for ungrateful recipients was NOT my idea of fun, I can tell you. But most of my work involved sending out CDs to places, so I was at least able to play some decent music a great deal of the time! I can remember travelling on the bus to Batley in West Yorkshire, with my walkman on listening to "Heaven Knows….." and being able to fully appreciate what Morrissey was lamenting. Even though I was "lucky" enough to be working, and wasn't on the scrapheap or unemployed, I still totally despised my jobs and (a great deal of) the people I worked with. Most of my fellow employees were so tedious, and didn't seem to have any zest for life at all which I found quite frustrating. It was obvious where they were going to be in 10 years' time, which is quite frightening really. And also, the fact that I earned a pittance didn't help matters either. I would probably rather have been unemployed, because then at least I wouldn't have had to be nice to people I didn't like very much! So it was a relief when I was made redundant from my last job before starting college, because it gave me a couple of months of freedom, during which I just bummed around at home as well as going down to London for a week during the time of Morrissey's infamous Finsbury Park appearance (I was there, and it wasn't an experience I'd like to repeat in a hurry!). But every time I hear "Heaven Knows…..", I remember those awful jobs and horrible people, and manage to smile…..

HAND IN GLOVE

The Smiths Convention of 1990 in Manchester is the memory that springs to mind every time I hear "Hand in Glove". I went down on my own from Huddersfield, and I left on my own. I hardly talked to anyone while I was there. But do you know what? It didn't really matter all that much (even though I felt pretty lonely) because I had THE SMITHS on my side, and no one could (or can, to this day) take them away from me. My parents hated The Smiths, my friends did too, but I didn't care. I was, and still am, immensely proud of them, and me and "The Lads" were (and still are) definitely like no other love I've ever had. As a result, I was entirely defiant, even at the convention where a lot of people avoided and/or ignored me (probably and possibly because I don't have a three foot quiff and am of West Indian origin - not your "typical" Smiths fan!!). It's not been at all easy being a Smiths fan because a lot of people have found it unusual (even wrong!!) due to the fact that I happen to be black - and so what if I am?. But then, "If the people stare, let the people stare" - after all, "What Difference does it Make?"

My Promo Prop Stand, obtained at the Book Launch in Glasgow!

LAST NIGHT I DREAMT THAT SOMEBODY LOVED ME

I can remember being on a bus one day in 1989, returning home from yet another tedious day at work (I was a VDU Operator, and worked with CDs which was my job's one saving grace), listening to "Strangeways….." on my walkman. I got to "Last Night…..", and felt totally in despair as I listened to Morrissey's pitiful and anguished lyrics. I knew exactly what he had gone through (and probably still is) because I was experiencing the very same. I'd never had anyone ever at the time, and I really didn't think I ever would. I saw my reflection in the bus window, and I immediately wanted to throw myself off and lie down and DIE, because what I saw frightened me almost to death. I was looking at a face that was desperately sad, eyes that had never known happiness. "Last Night….." epitomised the deep depression I couldn't shake off, the loneliness I knew I would inevitably suffer until the day I die….. I'm a little older now, and although I've had boyfriends and everything, I'm still entirely lonely and I'm still waiting…..

ACCEPT YOURSELF

I laughed out loud when I first heard "Accept Yourself (which was back in 1988, at home in Huddersfield on my trusty old walkman) because it rang so very true. The part that concerns "drawing up a plan" was especially funny, because that's exactly what I did! Instead of going out to as many places as possible in order to find a boyfriend and "conquer love", I was incredibly anti-social and instead decided to write a book (about The Smiths, funnily enough!) to bring some meaning into my miserable little existence. But, as is typically the case, my book didn't really get off the ground, and I've yet to make my debut!! I wanted to produce a literary effort that had a bit more substance than the then previous effort by Mick Middles. It was to have been written from the point of view of a fan, and would have covered the entire career of The Smiths. Unfortunately, I lost heart when my attempts to get interviews with the band didn't go according to plan, and anyway, Johnny Rogan's beaten me to it now! The lyric that concerns being "Sick and Dull and Plain" I also identified strongly with, as I believed that I was bloody useless to everyone and everything. The last thing I wanted to do was to accept myself. Luckily, I've managed to come to terms with what I am since those days, when I was both virtually dead and so very easily led! Although I still get days when I feel dead awkward and unsightly, I can at least (sometimes) smile about it now…..

SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN

I'm always close to tears any time I hear "Suffer…..", because it must be the most tragic reminder of the Moors Murders I've ever come across. I'm also forced to remember an occasion that I have never forgotten which happened a few years ago. I was travelling back from Manchester to Huddersfield after a day out, and I was listening to "The Smiths" on my walkman at the time. I was on the bus (the 365, which passes the bleak and desolate Saddleworth Moors where the unfortunate victims of Brady and Hindley were temporarily "laid to rest"). I was falling asleep as "Suffer Little Children" began to play. I could hear the words subconsciously as I was virtually dreaming by this time, when suddenly SOMEONE WHO WASN'T THERE woke me up. I believe to this day that it was the ghost of one of the victims who roused me from my rest, because it was the most eerie feeling I'd ever had in my life. I wanted to run down the stairs and tell the Bus Driver to STOP THE BUS, but of course I couldn't. I'd got the idea into my head that whoever woke me up was trying to tell me where they were buried (because there still is, at this moment, some poor unfortunate child out there somewhere), but maybe I'm being hysterical. I do know, however, that I've never experienced anything like the sensation I had before or since…..

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME GET WHAT I WANT

I always feel a tinge of sadness whenever I play "Please…..", because I'm then reluctantly reminded of the (relatively) difficult life I've had. I more or less started fighting from the moment I was born, and have had to ever since merely to get anywhere in life I don't know why, but I never seem to have had a lot of luck. A lot of things were an obstacle to my establishing myself as a person (working class immigrant background which is nothing to be ashamed of but, in this country, is not very helpful). But when I first heard "Please….." (Huddersfield, at home, in October of 1988), it meant a lot to me to know that somebody out there knew what I was going through, and that they understood. When you feel as though everything is stacked against you (which I certainly used to), it really helps to know that you're not alone in feeling that way. Morrissey could have been reading my mind when he wrote those words, because they're so accurate it's frightening. I can only hope that those of us who are so very destitute will one day get what we want....

A copy I signed for my dear friend, Colin-Ray Oughton

BONUS ENTRY!

THAT JOKE ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE – Not used in All Men Have Secrets!

I first heard "That Joke….." when I was 16, back in October of 1988 (I was a late appreciator of The Smiths' work, previous to which I hadn't liked them a great deal!) and it immediately struck a chord with me - it's my favourite Smiths number. Never in my life had I heard a track that so accurately described how I was feeling. I was at home in Huddersfield at the time, sitting in my bedroom with my faithful old walkman on. At the ages of 16 and 17, I was severely depressed, because not only did I feel, but I truly believed, that I was worthless, ugly and stupid. As a result of this, I didn't think I'd ever be happy, and that I'd always be alone. "That Joke….." helped me to realise that there had been (and still are) others who had felt the same way as I did, but who had overcome their problems. It gave me hope, which is why I'm still alive several years later (just!)…..

Above all penned by ANGIE LEWIS, of HUDDERSFIELD and MANCHESTER, for "All Men Have Secrets".

(Published by Virgin 1995).